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GOOD SHEPHERD NURSERY SCHOOL
Snack and school calendars for the month of February are attached to this newsletter. Details about Valentine’s Day parties have been sent home separately.
First of all, congratulations are due to two of our families on the birth of new babies! Thank you so much for letting me know when and why your child is absent from school. It is helpful for us to know when an illness is going around so that we can be especially vigilant and also inform other parents of possible exposure. Remember that there are times when I may be unable to get to the telephone because I am working with a child, helping a teacher, or talking with another parent. Your calls are important, so please leave a message. I’ll get back to you as soon as I can! Please remember that the safety of the children is always our first concern. At drop-off and pick-up times, please think of the car in front of you as a school bus with lights flashing. Do not pull around a vehicle unless you have been directed to do so by a staff member. Even when you are in a hurry, it is better to wait a minute than to risk injury to a child. We will be hosting a CPR course and a First Aid course here at GSNS as noted above. The cost per course is $35. Please let me know if you would like to register for one or both. We hope you will be able to participate in our annual autumn fundraiser: Butter Braid bread and cookie dough. These products are really delicious and so easy to prepare! Each sale you make directly benefits the children. You will note on the calendar that “dress-up” days are coming up soon. The children really enjoy dressing up in costumes; imaginary play is an important part of learning. If your child prefers to not dress up, that is perfectly fine. All costumes must be safe for active play, and should not be scary! Before we know it, winter will be here! Our inclement weather policy is detailed in your parent handbook. We have found it very useful for the children to keep a pair of slippers here at school. That way, you won’t have to remember to pack sneakers or slippers on the days that your child wears rain or snow boots. While children really enjoy wearing their special boots, we have found that little feet get overheated, and it is easy to stumble on carpeting while wearing boots. Thus, we ask that children not wear rain or snow boots during school time. A pair of slippers also comes in handy if shoes get wet during water play. Please remember to mark your child’s name on the slippers you send to school. We were so pleased to see many of you at Parent Information Night. We hope you found the presentation informative and enjoyed the opportunity to meet the teachers and other parents. We would welcome your feedback on the evening. If you were unable to attend and would like a copy of the presentation about our philosophy and the way our program fosters your child’s development, please let me know. You may also borrow a copy of the DVD featuring your children at school (if you would like your own copy, please let me know). At the end of this newsletter you will find an article about how to talk with your child about their art work, and an article about teaching social skills to young children. I hope you find them useful. We had such fun on our field trips to Tougas Farm in Northborough. It’s always exciting to ride on a school bus! Picking apples from short trees and choosing a pumpkin from the pumpkin patch are great hands-on experiences for the children. Sampling fresh cider, eating apple cider donuts, feeding goats, giggling at the antics of guinea fowl, romping in the playground, and taking a hay ride added to an enjoyable day. Thanks to those of you who volunteered to help coordinate our parent volunteer program. Amy Murphy and Janine Kizik have already begun to schedule classroom helpers, and hope to have a schedule for the year ready soon! A brief report about your child’s adjustment to school will be sent home on November 8 and 9. Your child’s teacher will let you know if she feels a conference would be helpful. We have scheduled time for head teachers to be available to talk with parents on November 16 and 17. If you would like to schedule a time, simply call the office at 508-533-5854. Formal parent-teacher conferences take place in early April. As much as we would like it to be otherwise, death is an inescapable part of life. We would all like to protect our young children for as long as possible from the experience of losing a loved one. This year, the subject of death has come up at school quite early. A friend of one of our students (a Two by Two’s alumni) died of liver cancer in June, just two days after his fifth birthday. One of our students lost her mother in August. Another child lost her great-grandfather in September. Other children have lost beloved family pets. It is natural for children to talk with each other and with other important adults in their lives as they try to process and understand what has happened. At the end of this newsletter, I have included an article about how to talk with your preschooler about this difficult subject. Our Two by Two’s Christian Playgroup still has a few openings. If you know someone who is looking for a once per week drop-off program for their two-year-old, please let them know about us! I need your help to solve a couple of mysteries!
-- Miss Cathy
The children begin and end their day with circle time and story time. These important small group times provide a comfortable opportunity for a consistent group of 5-9 children to practice important group skills such as sitting, listening, and waiting for a turn to talk as we share information about our weekly theme (and whatever else the children have on their minds at the time). We begin each circle with a prayer, a review of the children’s job chart (every child has a job everyday) and a weather report from the “weather person”. Once a week the primary students take turns bringing in the red “show and tell” bag, while the Pre-K children explore a letter of the alphabet – what it looks like and the sound it makes. Circle time is also a time to discuss what’s new at each learning center, make a plan as to something they want to do that day, and segue confidently into our day! Each day ends back in the same small circle for story time usually related to our theme, and a review of each child’s day. Your child’s teachers rotate every two weeks between circles within their class, so that each teacher has the opportunity to get to know each child in her class. During “free play time” all the teachers interact with all the children. Our weekly themes have included: Welcome to School, Hand Washing, School Safety, Making Friends, Farms and Farm Animals, Apples and Pumpkins, School Buses, Cameras, and Photographs.
The Pre-K 2 program offers an enrichment aspect to its curriculum. Not only do the extended hours offer an opportunity to expand upon the letter of the week, but a math or science component is included as well. Children can explore science as they combine ingredients to make messy mixtures, or turn white carnations another color by letting them “drink” colored water. Children can explore math concepts as they graph their favorite ice cream, colors, foods, television programs, eye and hair colors and birthdays. Having lunch at school is undoubtedly the highlight of the day for the children as they engage in conversation and practice a skill useful in preparation for the kindergarten cafeteria. Gross Motor time follows and the children can ride bikes, climb and slide down the cube, conquer the balance beam and rock on a wooden boat. Rest time with Miss Nancy and Miss Sunita or Miss Cathy provides a brief break from the day as a book on tape, children’s yoga, or a Veggie Tales DVD is introduced. Miss Cathy supervises tooth brushing with individual children during the rest period. The conclusion of the afternoon mimics the beginning of the day as the children can choose where they would like to play. Areas for consideration include building, puzzles, games, writing, and creative movement. When weather permits, we head for the outdoors for some fresh air and games.
The Friday Enrichment Class has introduced “The Reading Suitcase.” Each week a child will have the opportunity to take a case containing five books home. After reviewing them, the child will choose his/her favorite book to be read the following Friday to his/her class. The goal of “The Reading Suitcase” is to promote language and literacy.
Miss Betsy and Miss Natalie join the children for lunch and a brief rest time. Beginning literacy is often the focus as the children read a special book and participate in a related art project. More gross motor time follows, and children can also engage in doing puzzles, building, free craft, and creative movement. We will also begin some cooking projects soon!
Small group time is the opportunity once or twice a month to get together with individual circle groups to introduce and practice a particular skill. This is valuable one-on-one time spent with a teacher. It is a time the teacher introduces children to materials and experiences the child may otherwise miss, and provides the teacher the opportunity to observe and learn about individual children in a small setting.
As you know, our school has four rooms for the children to explore during Free Play time. Each room has several different learning centers. The teachers meet weekly to brainstorm ideas and plan weekly curriculum, giving careful thought to each different learning center. In light of the environment and “Going Green” this year we will feature one learning center each month that will inform you of the skills the children are learning and practicing as they “play” at each center. We will list for you what was available at each of the other centers, which may provide an excellent opportunity to discuss with your child what your child “played” with and how they used the materials we provided.
Basically dramatic play is pretending and role playing. Through imitation and make-believe, children sort out what they understand and gain a measure of mastery and control over events they have witnessed or taken part in such as: cooking, going to work, going to a party, visiting friends, taking care of a baby, going to the doctor, shopping, making lists, talking on the phone, etc. Through imitation, preschoolers reenact with their own bodies and voices what they understand about their world. Pretending to be a mom, a dad, a baby, a princess, or a favorite animal is a way young children represent what they know about people, animals, and situations. Aside from the pure fun of using their own imagination, through dramatic play children learn to interact with others. They experience being a leader as well as a follower. They learn to cooperate with others as plots develop. Deciding on roles provides opportunities for problem-solving, language development, and building friendships. The children learn to take turns, share and be patient. These are all important social skills. Dramatic play is an essential part of helping children “try on” a variety of adult roles that in turn helps children gain understanding and control over emotions and events in their lives. We devote a whole room to dramatic play at Good Shepherd. It typically contains a refrigerator, sink, stove and microwave with play food, cooking and eating utensils, vacuums, brooms, telephones, tool boxes, baby dolls and clothes, a changing table, strollers, high chairs, baby food and bottles, and of course a variety of ‘adult” dress-up clothes and accessories are available. We refer to this set-up as “housekeeping”. We also change the theme of the dramatic playroom throughout the year. Some of our theme rooms this year include a farm stand, the Christmas Nativity, hospital and vet, a castle, and a space station. Your children this year may be moms, dads, babies, princesses, doctors, animals, astronauts, angels, farmers, knights, or anything else they imagine, for dramatic play is purely a product of a child’s own imagination and spontaneous play! You can encourage the same kind of pretend play at home simply by playing with your child and providing some simple props. Draping a sheet over a table creates a house or a hideout. A large empty cardboard box can become almost anything: a pirate ship, a doghouse, a castle, or a train. The nice thing about dramatic play is that it requires only your imagination. When you engage in pretend play with your child, you are teaching important skills and strengthening the relationships that are the foundation for all learning.
The large playroom is our ”Indoor Playground”, complete with a climbing cube, slide, bikes, balls, basketball and soccer nets, balance beam, “crash pad”, trampoline, and a variety of other items which change regularly and help build skills such as teamwork, coordination and balance, as well as strengthen the large motor muscles.
Walking into the office: Looking at herself in the magnifying mirror: At snack: Sitting down at the teacher’s computer, moving her fingers on the keyboard: Looking at an “old” record player in its case: Talking about jobs: Riding her hobby horse into the office: Referring to Child 1: After finishing a conversation with Miss Meg: At circle time: Walking into the office where the head teachers were meeting, dressed up as a police officer: Child 1: What’s your daddy’s name?
How to talk to children about their art! By Joanne Go, M.S. When we see our toddler make marks on paper, we are thrilled. Our child can draw! We all know that drawing leads to writing, which is such an important skill in our society. And actually the precursors of all letters begin with the ability to draw lines and circles. Lots of practice at making marks will eventually lead to drawing symbols that look like something we can recognize. From the toddler’s first marks on a page to watching a teenager who doodles for hours or draws cartoons, we want to encourage all our children’s efforts at self-expression. “Oh, that’s beautiful!” we exclaim. Some of the pictures go on the refrigerator, some get sent to relatives. Some are even framed. And although this probably makes the child feel good, their focus is entirely different from adults. Parents and teachers should be aware that for young children the process of creating the art is what’s important, not the product. This is why often children simply throw away their work when they are finished. When we see a child making lots of lines on a page that don’t seem to make a “picture”, that’s just as important as when the child begins to make their first representational drawings (pictures
that look like something else). The sun, or a person’s face is often the first recognizable picture a child may attempt.
Keep in mind that artwork is a personal expression of the child’s inner life. There is no right or wrong way to create art. Any judgment we may make could be interpreted by the child as a rejection of them as a person. Pablo Picasso said, “Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist when he grows up.” The solution lies in how we as adults interact with children about their works of art. We must support their creative expression in both subtle and direct ways. Some experts would say, “Absolutely no coloring books,” but as a parent and teacher I’ve seen many children go through a stage when they really want to use coloring books. Plain paper and crayons are best for encouraging creativity, but coloring books are appealing to 4 and 5 year olds who are interested in refining their artistic skills and accuracy. Just make sure that you are not insisting that they “color within the lines” and that you are providing other opportunities for expression along with the coloring books. Sometimes it is wise to wait until the child shows you a picture before you make any comments at all. Otherwise, you may interrupt the flow of creativity. Don’t feel compelled to say how beautiful and gorgeous each picture is. Instead notice the pleasure your child expresses in the act of creating. For example, you might say, “I noticed that you worked a long time on this.” Or, “You are so happy with your picture.” Do not ask you child direct questions like, “What is it?” or “What color is this?” You will get more insight into your child’s creativity by saying something like; “Tell me about your picture.” Then just listen. Teachers often write the child’s own words on the page. Sometimes reflecting back what your child has said will allow her to expand. You might say, “So, that’s Sally and that’s her balloon.” The child may say, “Yes, they’re at the zoo.” Then she might want to add more to her picture. Another phrase you can use to get a conversation started is, “Is there a story that goes with your picture?” It’s perfectly natural for your child to go on and on with the story beyond what you can see on the page. This provides an opportunity for adults to get a glimpse of the child’s playful world of fantasy. Or, perhaps it may shed light on the child’s unique view of reality. What about the colors children choose? I’ve heard people tell children such things as, “Now trees aren’t blue, are they? I’ve never seen a blue tree.” This comment places our subjective judgment on the child’s work. Color and accuracy are not important in a child’s artwork. If you want to comment about color, you might say, “I noticed that you used a lot of blue color on this page.” This statement acknowledges that the child chose that color without questioning his or her judgment. Here are some ways to encourage children’s creativity:
This kind of support gives children the confidence they need to continue exploring their inner world. Teaching Social Skills to Young Children By Ronnie Ginsberg, Psy.D. Helping young children develop the social skills necessary to succeed is a crucial task for teachers and parents. Such skills are not only necessary for enhancing social and emotional connections, which promote a feeling of belonging versus isolation and loneliness, but they are also clearly essential in the development of academic success. There is much that we can do to foster these crucial attributes, and here’s how. Promote effective communication. Make sure children understand what you are asking from them and what they are asking of each other. Reframe what children are trying to communicate to their classmates, especially if it’s not obvious to the other child. “I think Billy is asking if he can play too.” Encourage children to repeat back what they think has been said so that the other child (or you) can correct any misinterpretation. Teach children the language of feelings. It is helpful for children to understand how they feel in different situations, not only to help themselves, but also so that they can comprehend that other children have feelings that must be respected. “I know you feel frustrated. It’s so hard to build the tower they way you want to. I’m proud that you keep trying.” Exhibit fairness and demonstrate turn taking. Make sure each child gets a chance to shine (whether it’s going first in a game or being the line leader for the day). One of the hardest concepts for preschoolers to learn is that their own feelings and needs are valid and that, simultaneously, they are not the center of the universe; others have desires and rights, too. For young children, this means creating a system of turn taking and keeping in mind who got which privilege when. Observe out loud both positive and negative social behavior. Think out loud as you “solve” problems. “I’m noticing that great solution you figured out! Instead of just sharing the one fire truck you both wanted, you got some other ambulances and police cars and are using them all together!” Encourage child-driven solutions to difficult situations. Applaud the positive and help reformulate the less appropriate. Ask, “What do you think would help?” Listen attentively and help modify what might be undoable. One preschooler’s solution to a toy-sharing dilemma at school was to have his mom go out and buy another one! After practicing child-driven solutions for several weeks, you may be surprised to see that the combatants can come up with reasonable ideas. Stay solution focused when intervening. Once feelings have been explored and everyone has had her say, the discussion should continue until some resolution has been reached, even if the solution is to reconvene later when everyone has calmed down. “Maybe we should all settle down for our usual snack and see if we can decide whose turn it is on the computer after we’ve finished eating.” Help children learn what’s special about them. Children who feel they have a special talent or skill feel more self-confident. The talent doesn’t have to be something as obvious as throwing a ball or painting a picture. Being a good helper or a caring friend is something children can be proud of, and that feeling of competence can help children both initiate and reciprocate in social situations. Create an atmosphere that encourages discussion. Children need practice both in talking and in listening. Give them that opportunity as frequently as possible. Have them share stores about their cat, their brother, or their friend, or start each school day off with a brief “update” circle where children can share something important about their lives with their classmates. Remind children of their “better selves.” Children often rise (or fall) to the occasion, and adults believing in how hard they are trying will help them feel good about themselves and spur them on to continue trying. Children want to gain our trust and our respect, and if we can nurture these innate tendencies, their social skill repertoire will reap the benefits. Ronnie Ginsberg, Psy.D., is a licensed psychologist and director or training at an outpatient mental health clinic in Massachusetts. She consults with preschool teachers and parents to help smooth transitions in normal child development, and helps modify classroom and home environments to meet individual children’s social, emotional, and cognitive needs. She has authored over 50 parenting articles for local newspapers and school publications.
How to talk to your preschooler about death! By Mary VanClay What to expect at this age Preschoolers are aware of death from early on. They hear about it in fairy tales, see it on TV, and encounter dead bugs, birds, or squirrels on the sidewalk or roadside. Some children may have already experienced the death of a pet or a family member. Despite this, there are aspects of death that kids this age still can’t understand. For example, they can’t grasp that death is permanent, inevitable, and happens to everyone, explains Michael Towne, a child-life specialist who works with grieving families at the University of California-San Francisco Medical Center. Nor can they comprehend that being dead means that the body no longer functions. They may believe that the deceased still eat, sleep, and do normal things – except that they do them up in the sky or down in the ground. No matter how many times you explain it, preschoolers can’t really understand what causes death, and they may think of it as something that’s temporary and reversible. Even when a parent or a sibling has died, preschoolers often don’t see death as something that can happen to them. Kids this age react to death in a variety of ways. Don’t be surprised if your child becomes clingy, reverts to baby talk, or suddenly balks at going to her familiar preschool. After all, her daily routines may have been interrupted, she’s struggling to understand why the adults around her are so sad, and the world may suddenly seem ominous to her in a way that it hadn’t before. On the other hand, she may not show any reaction to the death at all, or her responses may be intermittent, mixed in with her usual cheerfulness and play. This is normal, too. Children process grief in bite-sized chunks, not all at once. And many delay grieving until they feel it’s safe to let those feelings out – a process that could take months or even years, particularly if they’ve lost a parent or a sibling. Your preschooler may also engage in behaviors that seem odd to you, such as playing dead. This too is normal, even if it strikes you as morbid, so don’t discourage this important way for her to work through her feelings about death. How to explain death to your preschooler Give brief, simple answers. Young children can’t handle too much information at once. At this age, it’s most helpful to explain death in terms of physical functions that have ceased, rather than launching into a complicated discussion of a particular illness: “Now that Uncle John has died, his body has stopped working. He can’t walk or run, or eat or sleep or see anymore, and he doesn’t feel any pain.” It’s also important to help a preschooler understand basics such as who’s going to take care of her. She thinks, “if Mom dies, who’s going to give me my bath?” says grief specialist Michael Towne. Express your own emotions. Grieving is an important part of healing, for both children and adults. Don’t frighten your child with excessive grief, but don’t make the subject off-limits, either. Explain that grownups need to cry sometimes, too, and that you feel sad because you miss Grandma. Your preschooler is keenly aware of changes in your mood, and she’ll be even more worried if she senses that something is wrong but that you’re trying to hide it. Avoid euphemisms. Common adult phrases for death – “resting in peace,” “in eternal sleep” – are confusing for a young child, so don’t say that Grandpa is “sleeping” or “has gone away.” Your preschooler may worry that going to bed at night means she’ll die, too, or that if you leave for the office or the store, you won’t come back. State the reasons for the death as simply as possible: “Grandpa was very, very old and his body couldn’t work anymore.” If grandpa was sick before he died, be sure to reassure your child that if she gets sick from a cold or flu, it doesn’t mean she’ll die. Explain that there are different ways people get sick, and that we recover from minor illnesses like the ones your child usually has. Tread carefully when discussing God and heaven. Explanations of death and the afterlife will of course depend on your own religious beliefs. If the concepts of God and heaven will enter into your conversation, think carefully about what you’ll say, since words meant to comfort a small child may actually confuse her. If you tell your preschooler, “Janie’s happy now, because she’s in heaven,” for instance, she may worry: How can Janie really be happy if everyone around me is so sad? If you say “Janie was so good that God wanted her with Him,” she’s likely to think: if God wanted to take Janie, will He take me too? Should I be good so I can be with her in heaven, or bad so I can stay here with Mom and Dad? Something along the lines of, “We’re so sad that Janie isn’t here with us and we’ll miss her very much, but it’s comforting to know that she’s with God now,” will reassure your child without adding to her worries. Be prepared for a variety of reactions. Children not only feel sorrow over the death of a loved one, they may also feel guilt or anger. Reassure your preschooler that nothing she said or did caused the death, and don’t be surprised if she expresses anger toward you, the doctors and nurses, or even the deceased. Also expect that she may have tantrums more often, either as a way to get her own sadness out (though the tantrum may appear to be about something else) or as a reaction to the tension and sadness in your household. Expect the subject to come up repeatedly. Be ready to field the same questions from your child over and over again, since understanding the permanence of death is a struggle for her. She’s also likely to come up with new questions as her awareness of death and her cognitive skills grow, grief counselors say. Don’t worry that you didn’t explain the death adequately the first time – your child’s ongoing questions are normal. Just keep answering them as patiently as you can. Memorialize the deceased. Children need concrete ways to mourn the death of a loved one. At this age, your preschooler probably isn’t ready to attend a funeral (particularly an open-casket wake), but she can light a candle at home, sing a song, draw a picture, or take part in some other ritual observance. It also helps to talk about the good relationship she had with the person who died: “Remember when you and Grandma went blueberry picking? She had so much fun with you.” Discuss miscarriage. If you and your partner have experienced a miscarriage, you’ll undoubtedly grieve. But you may be surprised to discover that your preschooler is also upset, even if her understanding of the pregnancy was still a bit sketchy. She may feel guilty over the death, or mourn the loss of the “big sister” role you’d been preparing her for. And she’ll need lots of encouragement to believe that this kind of death is uncommon, especially if you try for another baby. Explain that babies who miscarry are usually not healthy enough to live outside their mommy’s tummy. Let your child say goodbye by drawing a picture or making a special gift for the departed baby. Don’t downplay the death of a pet. This is many children’s first brush with death, and it can be a deeply tragic event for them. A family dog or cat is often a child’s first and best playmate, offering unconditional love and companionship. Feeding the parakeet or goldfish regularly may have made her feel proud and grown up. Try not to say, “Don’t feel bad, Rover is in heaven now” – this teaches her that her very real sadness is inappropriate. Instead, offer her lots of sympathy for her loss, and expect the same kinds of ongoing mourning and repeated questions that you’d get if a person she cared for had died. Help her respond to media coverage of death. Your child may still be somewhat oblivious to the widely publicized deaths of media figures or to news coverage of national disasters or wars. But she will pick up on the fact that you’re sad or anxious, and she’s also likely to hear older children discussing these events. Reassure her that “people are angry and fighting far away,” and that that makes you sad, but that you’re there to take care of her and will do everything you can to keep her safe. Do your best to get your preschooler’s life back to “normal.” Don’t compound your child’s loss by abandoning the schedule and activities that anchor her life and give her a sense of security. Some schedule upset is to be expected, of course, but the sooner your preschooler’s routine gets back to normal, the easier it will be for her. She needs to get to bed on time, get up on time, eat meals on time, and, if she’s in nursery school, go back to the friends and fun she has there. Don’t try to be perfect. If you’re deeply bereaved by a recent death, do your best to guide your child through the difficult times, but don’t expect yourself to be perfect. It’s all right to cry in front of your child, and you can’t expect yourself to answer every question perfectly the first time. Ask for help from friends and relatives, and remember that the more you help yourself cope, the better you’ll be able to help your child cope, both now and later. Questions about death: What preschoolers ask...what parents answer... When questions about death come up, either because someone close to your preschooler has died or she’s struggling to understand the concept, you may be stumped about how best to respond. There are no “perfect” answers – the most important thing is to answer your child’s queries as patiently, simply, and gently as possible and to understand that her concerns and reactions will be different from yours. Expect to have to repeat your answers over and over again, and provide plenty of reassurance that you’re there to love and care for her. (If, on the other hand, your preschooler hasn’t yet expressed curiosity about death, it’s better to hold off on your discussion until she does.) Here are some of kids’ most common questions about death, plus guidance for answering them in a way that preschoolers will understand. “What does ‘dead’ mean?” Related questions include those about how the dead continue to function – “How did Grandpa get up to heaven? What does he like to eat up there?” – since a preschooler doesn’t grasp the absence of physical activity. Gently explain that: “’Dead’ means a person or animal stops breathing and his or her body doesn’t work anymore. They don’t eat or sleep or feel cold or hot. Plants die too – every living thing does. Usually people and animals only die when they’ve grown very old.” “When will you die?” Children often ask questions that seem shocking or callous to adults. What your preschooler really means is, “Will I still be taken care of?” Even if she doesn’t ask outright, it’s wise to anticipate worries about how stable her life will be: “I want you to know that I plan to be here until I’m very, very old and you’re all grown up.” “Why is Aunt Sally crying?” If you’ve just explained that Uncle John died, such a question may seem strange. But your preschooler’s understanding of death is still sketchy enough that she needs help understanding the emotions of those around her: “Uncle John died and he won’t come back, and Aunt Sally is crying because she misses him very much.” “When will Grandpa come back? Will he be here for my birthday?” Related questions include things like, “Can we drive to heaven to visit Grandpa?” Although you’ve explained the death seemingly endless times, your preschooler still doesn’t grasp its finality and permanence. Explain as patiently as you can, “Remember that Grandpa died. He can’t come back and we can’t visit him. He won’t be here for your birthday, but we’ll remember the times he was here.” “Can Grandma get a new Grandpa now?” Because adults can often fix or replace things in our daily lives, children may wonder about replacing the deceased – especially if they have friends with step-grandparents. Gently give her the facts: “If she wants to, Grandma might get married again someday. But her new husband wouldn’t be the same as Grandpa. Grandpa died and can’t come back.” “Was it my fault?” At this age, kids are all ego, and believe that their thoughts and actions affect everything around them. “If a child was mad at the dog for destroying one of her toys, and maybe even said, ‘I’m gonna kill you,’ and then a few weeks later the dog dies, she can easily think, ‘I caused that,’” says Michael Towne, a grief specialist. Though your preschooler probably won’t say it out loud, feelings of guilt are common and worth anticipating. Give her reassurance even if she never vocalizes such thoughts: “I want you to know that the dog died because he was very old, and his body wasn’t working very well anymore. None of us did anything to make that happen.” “Did it hurt the baby to die? Will you die too?” The mechanics of miscarriage can be very confusing to children. Tell her, “No, the baby just stopped growing and doesn’t feel anything anymore. Daddy and I are very, very sad, but we’re still healthy. So are you.” “Did Uncle John die because he did something bad?” Try to make sure your preschooler never equates death with punishment: “No, definitely not. Your uncle died in a car crash that was a terrible accident, but it wasn’t his fault that he died, and it wasn’t because he did anything bad.” “I remember Daddy used to snuggle with me when I was a baby.” If your child shares memories that she clearly can’t really have, don’t correct her. This just means the lost loved one is real to her, and stories like this bring her a tremendous amount
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